LET ME GET ALL SMART ON YOUR ASS AND DIAGRAM THIS SHIT OUT FUTURE HOOKERS

Ok class, this is what we like to call the FH pythagorean fuckability grid.

As you can see, the very undesirable "ZONE OF PAIN" section is found closest to the ZERO (are you paying attention?), zero marks of both axii (axii? whatever). STAY AWAY! AT ALL COSTS! That area is reserved for the unfanciest of society, but if you're caught with granny panties on then even you, my lovely fancy wannabes, will fall victim.

Now the highly desirable "FUCK BUDDY" section which is found right near my... just kidding.... along my... umm, along the physical attractiveness axis. But be careful ladies, if you are TOO fancy... then *poof* an unfanci-flippin headache (but we don't talk about that shhh). And for fucks sake ladies, never ever, I repeat NEVER EVER let a dude out-fancy you. The fact that I feel the need to say this shows how many shitty females there are.

The other areas aren't worth mentioning and don't ask us questions because FH doesn't even know what they are.

Class dismissed. Next week is biology, so bring your partner, I mean book.. bring your book.

SOMEONE ELSE BESIDES DARIA AND ALYSSA LIKES FANCY HOOKERS!

A few weekends ago Daria attended MoCCA in NYC, and she sent me an update:

"In other news I got an email from a dude who used to write for NY Press (met him at Mocca this weekend) and he said he thought Fancy Hookers was, and I quote, 'the funniest thing I've read in a long time.' He also said 'What are you guys on?' which I also take as a compliment."

It's always nice to hear that people like what you're doing (especially our unbiased fellow writers), even if they think you are totally fancypants cray cray. But then aren't most prolific writers tormented alcoholic batshitters who die a lonely, poor, and desolate life? *sigh*

We are just trying to keep up and fit in with our fancy writin brethren.

So mr homie, if you're reading this, sassy snaps and a supey dupe fancy thank you.

MY MOM CALLED ME A WHORE HOOKER

Remember, Fancy Inc are not only connoisseurs of holier-than-thou fancy and tacky priestess frou frou, but also mind-numbing what's-wrong-with-you retarded as well.

Sexting school girl HERE

NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC PRESENTS: FANCY HOOKER FAILS IN NATURE

It's not a competition necessarily. But certain animal species have gotten it into their heads that they are fancy hookers and continue to try and one-up homosapiens. Look at this sorry bitch trying to out-hooker Angylene! (...Alyssa's BFF/ sister from another mother).















(In this case only, the dog wins by a landslide)














Behold this amazing showgirl FH! Now move your eyes down further and observe a pathetic example of fancy hookerness gone awry. At least the peacock tried. But it's still a Fancy fail, a Hooker fail, and a peacock fail.

A-MAZING.

I feel sorry for this bird.















Wow. This is guy is even more deluded.




















Keep telling yourself that tibetan fox....

But Foxy Brown still is far and above you as a FH. (This is a foxy Brown impersonator but even Foxy Brown's impersonator is still skillfully skankier than that sorry looking little dude above. All gay Tibetan foxes dream of being fancy hookers but few if any will ever achieve their goal...



















We'll give him props for being cute, but this blog is about glorifying real Fancy Hookers, not cuteness. Words from the wise- (Alyssa and Daria)- If that Tibetan fox tried to dagger dance he would definitely end up with his penis broken and being carried off by the hyena he was dagger dancing with.


More on this topic in the upcoming post "The Dangers of Dagger Dancing VS the Awesomeness of Dagger Dancing: Is a broken penis really that bad?"

LIFE CREDO HOOKER

Viewing the world.... through fancy colored glasses.... one trife hoe at a time.

LOST LUGGAGE? NO PROBLEM WHEN YOU'RE A HOOKER!

Just throw on some panties. Poof! Just like a bikini! Except, fancier and silkier. Wiggling booty sold separately. Miami Black Bike Week gets 10 fancy crotch rocket stars...

SHOUTIN OUT FELLOW HOOKERS

Sylvia.... to love her is to know her.... lead singer of Kudu full of sassy fuck you juju.... and all around fancy lovin badass. We give you 10 fancy stars for just being who you are.

I have a special friend

He lives across the street

Sometimes he calls me up

When he wants to play with me

My heart pumps red blood

Big buckets of red love

Boom boom

HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE LEMME PUT NUH UH IN IT HOOKER

Fancy Inc is praying it's laundry day because this is tragically smack yo mamma unfancceptable.

HIT THE HOOKER

JESUS H CHRIST HOOKERS

Well I'll be a fancy-paid-hooker-at-an-all-star-game...!

Just as I start to get jaded and think, "I've seen it all", the internet always comes through. There's a movement happening out there. Did you know?

HERE

"Did you know that Jesus HUNG OUT with PROSTITUTES??? Yes. PROSTITUTES!"

And most likely in Vegas, at the blackjack tables, with this exact same one:

Ok, let's. *ring ring* *ring ring* You aren't answering. *click*

You're probably busy chattin it up with the Jeez about his on-again/off-again with Mary Magdalene.

So it looks like I'll be hanging out tonight with Satan's hookers...AGAIN.

SPECIAL EDITION TOP 5 HOOKER!

He needs no introduction. If you don't know who he is, Fancy Inc

prob isn't your friend, nor would we want to be.

It's a fancy hooker explosion implosion to the exponential power!

Hookers on top of hookers!

(pause)

Oozing hookers!

(pause)

I don't care what you say, NO ONE is fucking with his flamboyantly

slutty gay fashion sense and endless supply of spandex pants, fluffy

fancy hair, gyrating pelvic thrusts, mid-air splits, high kicks and

hilarious videos littered with big-haired jiggling bimbos and crazy

characters.

For those about to hook, we salute you Diamond Dave!

Love,

Your fanciest admirers

#5) JUST A GIGILO

#4) GOIN CRAZY

#3) CALIFORNIA GIRLS

#2) STAND UP

#1) YANKEE ROSE

Winner for that silver thong onesie alone.

TAKING IT EASY HOOKER

ADVERTISING HOOKER

PRIORITY FOR YOU HOOKER

We love the love, but we're thinking this might be for the very "unfancy" variety.

WTF ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS SHIT HOOKER???

Ok so by way of another blog, this popped into our lives. I mean, I don't even know how to describe... I don't think I could describe. I don't think I should describe.

You just need to see for yourself.

HERE

Fancy PS... Daria and Alyssa are currently taking applications for anyone that looks like HIM. Please email a picture and your height to: weawantyourealbad@youcangetsome.com

RIDING A TRAIN WITH "THE CLAP" HOOKER

We are throwing our drawers of rhinestone sparkley panties at the computer screen for you

HALF WAY TO OUR PH.D. THESIS ON HALF WAY HOOKERS

Ok so after a friend sent me this:

I asked the great Googley Moogley to find, "The Half-Hooker Economy" and thought "ugh great, MORE hooker half-assedry". But before reading the long ass article, I read this blurb:

“But Woods found a way to enjoy the best of both worlds in one type of woman, a Venn diagram of sexual satisfaction. Most of his mistresses lived in a nebulous in-between world. Not prostitutes, no, but just about half way there. As surely as he has changed the game of golf, so too has Woods exposed the grazing ground of the half way hooker, and her natural habitat, the nightclub.”

...and thought, "ughhh great, MORE Tiger Woods full-assedry".

And then... hold up wait a damn fancy minute, did you write....A HALF WAY HOOKER???? Now, in this context it's used as a classification to define different levels of hookerdom. Like a sliding social slut scale, as it pertains to wealthy powerful men and the women who tend to their "VIP needs", primarily in a nightclub environment.

I didn't read anymore of the article, because, duh... snoozeville. Instead I immediately had thoughts of mentally unstable hookers... ones found wandering the echo-echo-echoing (thanks R Kellz) halls of a mental institution. It made me want to discover new untapped species of hookerati. Perhaps a Crazy Eyez Killah hooker... A psychopathic transgressive OCD hooker... A tourettes tranny hooker (this is my movie/book/everything idea and if you steal I will beat you like your toothless cane waving pimp)... Pill-poppin schizophrenic hookers... A looney bin full of deranged hookers!!!!

Imagine the bedazzled lace hospital gowns over neon push-up bras.... gold Vuitton logo fleece sock booties... feather boa trimmed hair caps... I can't stress hair extensions enough... and gobs of make-up like a kid scribbled your face into Courtney Love with a giant ass bag of fancy ass half-chewed skittles. Can you taste the vodka-infused rainbow?

Maybe there'd be a few poles by the nurse station and a Hollywood Blvd hallway to make them feel more at ease. The supply closets filled with lube, anal beads, pills, and Tiger Woods blow up dolls instead of bed pans, IV drip bags, extra pillows, and catheters. "Cawk n ballz wanna kissss meeee" drunkily written down a wall in Avon's "redlight district" lipstick after the last group therapy session. A kid being dragged to visit their "distant aunt" (mom), would think they just walked into the Big Top tent... cue circus music and animal shit smell please.

I got excited that Fancy Inc might one day stumble upon this undiscovered hidden hooker lair.... like we were dragon questing in 1310, or plunging fishing traps for mermaids and Nessie off our boat, the SS Fancy N Freeeek.

But alas, it's fuhgettaboutit unlikely.

The looney bin full of deranged hookers sits easily on my lap and costs about $2500 new from the Apple store. I don't have to hunt very hard. This brand of crazy isn't confined to any institution, unlike nuns and their vows to the G-O-Dillz. It runs free, runs loose, runs a'plenty in our streets and on our internets, for our ever-lovin hooker entertainment.

So let's CELIBATE! I mean celebrate. C E L E B R A T E.

Where's the champagne at damnit...

*burp*

FANCY HOOKER POETRY- APPRECIATION DAY

From this day forward,
You shall not walk alone.
My heart will be your shelter,
And my arms will be your home-
--Hallmark

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace, something something...blablabla
--Shakespeare

Ignore the above mediocrity. It is there to prove a point and give us all a good laugh at how untalented/unfancy Ms. Shakespeare is.

See? We told you.

"Fancy Hooker Poetry Appreciation Day" or, FHPAD, is being observed today for the fact that it marks the birth of one of the most prolific American Poetress’s of our time, Trina. (Aka, Katrina Taylor, Aka #1 Fancy Hooker).
Her poems typically begin with a declaration or definition in the first line ("Put this pussy in yo jaws and smack...”") followed by a metaphorical change of the original premise in the second line ("...like its thanksgiving and it ain’t coming back").

She also does not write in traditional iambic pentameter. Her line lengths vary from four syllables or two feet to often eight syllables or four feet, or occasionally she just writes “My bitches”(2x) followed by “I love my bitches”(3x).

Despite skepticism of her prowess among the literary elite, critics now consider Trina to be a major American poet.

The extensive use of dashes and unconventional capitalization in Trina's poetry and the idiosyncratic vocabulary and imagery, combine to create a body of work that is far more varied in its fanciness and hookery than is commonly realized. She is considered by Alyssa and myself to be the ultimate romantic visionary in the pantheon of prose.
Here are some examples of her sublime literary style:

Alyssa’s favorite Trina Love Poems --
From "Hold My Drink Bitch - The Collected Poetry of Trina"

'GET HIS MONEY'

Trick you ain't gotta like me
Oh you his wifey?
I think your man like me
he had me in the car
with his hand on my bra
breathing in my face
saying
TRI-NA

'OFF THE CHAIN WIT IT'

Don't want Coca money
I want Oprah money
Vida loca money
You can keep that poker money
Once they taste this
They hucked like bases
And me im at the bar on patron with no chasers

Daria’s Favorite Trina Love Poems --
From "Up In My Pussy Is Like Winning The Lottery": The Complete and Unabridged Verse of Trina"

'NO PANTIES COMING OFF'
No panties coming off
My love is gonna cost
Cause ain't no way
That you gonna get up
In this for free

'I WANNA HOLLA'
Don't be mad ho',
Cause I'm that bad ho'
Pushing that pink Lamborghini Diablo
I play niggas like dummies for the fast money
You wanna holla, it's gon' cost you cash money

Thank you Trina, for giving the world these romantic odes to Hooker Fanciness. You rule.

FANCY A RIDE ON THIS IRISH HOOKER?

"Check out this wee Irish hooker pounding away for all she's worth... apparently Irish hookers are fairly cheap still and once you get them in good shape they'll keep going for years. The best part about Irish hookers is stripping them down from time to time and giving them a good rub down just to keep them looking good for anyone that wants a shot in the summer months. There is plenty of interest in hookers if you feel the urge coming on. My friend had a shot at one last summer but it almost split... he said there may have been too many in her at the same time."

*From a sailing blog.

GET BEHIND HOOKER

Sébastien Tellier - Look from Record Makers on Vimeo.

WHITE TRASH HOOKER

Fancy Inc would like to reaffirm why meth labs are bad for business.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU TRIED TO ACT STRAIGHT HOOKER?

You weren't foolin us... or the world... real eyes realize real lies. We still

love you anyway for making our bedazzled panties fall off with this video.

HOLY HELL THAT'S SOME COFFEE TABLE HOOKER!

So our hooker in the field, Ali G, spotted this..... table (?) at a local LA flea market. We have no idea how to set magazines and drinks on it, but we're pretty sure we know where the tv remote goes.

We ordered 10.

NEW JACK SCHHHWING HOOKER

3 fancy stars for the sassy shoulder pads and dated acid wash set

-3 fancy stars for the unwaxed unibrow

Sorry Al, but at least you broke even.

WE GOT A "FUCK YOU" HOOKER

So apparently, fancyhookers.blogspot didn't make the Google cut. We're gonna work on this, so in the mean time, let's see what did come up:

-- First was Ali's blog post about us.... YAY! Hooker snaps for her and check her shit out.

-- Then we have a "no more fancy hookers" craigslist ban ... OUTRAGE. Daria, look into this immediately.

-- Next is... belligerent hookers ... OUR FAVORITE KIND!

-- And a "fancy hooker mental party" ... what in the fancy shit is that? (mental note: look up later)

-- Finally, "a fancy hooker with a clean-ish seeming mouth" .... ....

GOOGLE CAN EAT UNFANCY ASS FOR NOT PUTTIN US ON.

FOR THE SEED HOOKER

..and official training guide for all Fancy Inc employees. Give us a call Lil Nancy, we want to hire you asap.

PROUD PATERNAL HOOKER

Doesn't this bring a fancy tear to your skeevy eyeball?

YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO HOOK A HOOKER

Look at that form... that flat back technique is not taught... it's natural. It's almost like... like, she was MADE for hookin. Some people (or plastic) just have a calling in life. It warms Fancy Inc's herpes-free hearts.

CHEAP TRICK... NEED WE SAY MORE HOOKERS?

5 fancy stars for one of our favoritest songs of all time.

GORILLA LOVIN SMOKEY PICKLE EYE HOOKER

Our new favorite hooker at Fancy Inc because she GETS IT.

100 Jerz stars... for her concussion.

NOPE, NOT WHEN YOU ARE UNFANCY, HOOKER

HOOKER OF THE WEEK CONTEST!!!

We had so many submissions and suggestions regarding this weeks fancy hooker-on-topper . But there can be only one ho a week (we have lives too). So we will gladly share with you the runner-ups and then present you with the hooker to end all hookers; the ultimate hooker champion whose fanciness we think is unparalleled, unfuckwithable.

HOOKER RUNNER UPS:

#5) DAME JUDY DENCH

Definately a contender (check out the the rhinestone bodystocking she’s rockin'). And I quote “I've made so many movies playing a hooker that they don't pay me in the regular way anymore. They leave it on the dresser.” That's a real quote! Contrelle sent it to me.

Contest submission by Contrelle T’Shawn, Judy Dench Fan Club Prez

#4) NATALIA FABIA

We don’t know who she is but if it looks like a hooker and it talks like hooker and is painted as a hooker and last name rhymes with labia, then that’s good enough for us.

Contest and original painting sumbmission by Bob Ross

#3) PARIS HILTON

When she was in "crackhead phase". Now, normally we don't like to glorify crackheadery, however we made a special exception after seeing this picture. Who knew that she was capable of such crack-ho fanciness?

Contest submission by Tyrone Biggums

#2) ANGELYNE
This is a famous actress/fancy hooker and close personal friend of Alyssa. And I quote, "What can I say, hooker recognize hooker" - Alyssa on being friends with this hoe.

Submitted by another close personal friend of Alyssa's from Tampa, Chet Wilders:

And now we present our first winner of “HOOKER OF THE WEEK” who won by a whopping 16,00,0000,03 votes. No one was surprised.

#1) A HOOKER OF THE HUGEST FANCIEST PROPORTIONS....COCO AND HER ASS!!!!!!

The dichotomy of Coco is that she represents everything that is wrong with this world. What’s wrong being: not enough fancy, not enough gigantic booty to pour his baby gravy over, not enough bleached hair (other than LA) and not enough stripper poles at home.... and don’t get us started on her exemplary relationship with her partner in hook-pimpery, Ice-T, based on love and mutual respect for one another.

Observe the the ingenuity involved in this make-up application. What a woman! (hooker).

















Don't question the majesty of Coco's beach ass-ballet


















Editors note : Observe the vast differences between two women named Coco: One Coco is awesome and has a website that sells synthetic reproductions of her ginormous fancy ass, while the other Coco is an obscure, unsophisticated, flat-bootied non-hooker. One Coco's perfume smells like your grandma, while the other Coco's perfume is an exotic rasberry-peach-strawberry scented stripper spray. Be VERY careful not to get these two Coco's confused when google-imaging.

*Honorable Mention/Last Place/’There’s Always Next Year/You're Still A Loser” award goes to this anonymous Jer-Z Shore hooker.


















Submitted by, duh:

DISCLAIMER:

This was a collaboration and Alyssa didn't want me to get all the shine. There, ya happy bitch? -DARIA

Yes, I'm now a happy bitch hooker. -ALYSSA