Ok, this bitch just broke our fancy meter. 20 Hello Kitty sparkle stars... flown in from Japan... for her face.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
SHOUTIN OUT OUR HOOKERS
We have hookers now flying at us from every direction....pourin in from emails, ichats, gchats, texts, voicemails, video chats, facespaces... we can't keep up with the Kardashians. We feel just like Heidi Fleiss, minus the fancy money, hookery tax evasion, and Charlie Sheen BFF.
Love to our Fancy Army.
ASIAN (BLOWING MY MIND) HOOKER
WOW
Don't write us fucking hate emails. We told you we are inappropriate, and as you know, hookers are opportunists.
LET'S GO SHOPPIN HOOKER
Low On Fancy High On Floozy Fashion Talk Time
Oh hell naw, looky here all you part-time new jack amateurs.... step back ya FAUXker. You are embarrassing fancy hookers around the world who are "grinding". At the very least put some fucking bedazzle on that shit.
Hold up wait a minute lemme put some golf club init. 2 fancy snaps in a "FH" formation AND 27983 fancy stars for the art department.
Monday, April 5, 2010
FOLLOWIN MY OWN BLOG HOOKER
I'd like to point out that Daria Sellon is now following our blog. Because that fancy hooker needs a reminder that she updated it. It's just like when she facespace comments on her facespace comments on her comments on comments. Cornrows and a shitty tv show are next.
PIMP MY BLOG. Stay fancy San Diego.
THE HOOKERS STUDIO: HOOKERS IN FILM AND TELEVISION
10 thumbs up! Extra fancy performances by Camille and Joy (insert made-up last names here) BTW, Hooker Inc. is actually associated with Daria and Alyssa's line of 'Fancy Hooker Marshmallow Peeps'.
No. Fuck this. Fancy hooker FAIL. She is not fancy, will never be fancy. If fancy met her, fancy would say "Back it up bitch, it's just not gonna happen. Sorry".
This movie makes me so happy. 5 Fancy stars!
Always good for a hooker to carry a gun. Be safe girls! Protect yourself.
DOG HOOKER FASHION
The "Catholic schoolgirl" hooker. (Note the booty in the air)
This dog hooker walks the ho stroll street topless except for that mini-skirt. And for that, we here at Fancy Hooker applaud her.
This is a dog Hustler. He's defintely gonna get some tricks tonight in that get-up!
Biggie Shortie hooker. Our favorite kind.
Technically, these are dog titty dancers. But notice how they are using the ' Horny Nun' costumes to entice the religious fetishist's? Smart move ladies.
This hooker doesn't even need fashion or clothes for that matter. She's got a customer already
This dog hooker is exhausted from a long succesful night of hooking (with repeat customer R Kelley). Sweet dreams little ho'!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
NAME YOUR TWAT HOOKER
Is "Off limits" really the right message for my hoo hoo?
Maybe more like "Off limits unless I start to tingle".... or "Off limits unless you're hot"
LONG ASS MUTHERFLIPPIN HOOKER INTERVIEW WITH JOHN DILLINGER THE III, AUTHOR OF “HOOKER”
(The following interview took place at the Orange Mocha Frappacino Co-Op in downtown Portland, Oregon. Marie Helka is a fancy hooker/book reviewer for the Portland Oregonian.
MH: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today.
TG: Your welcome hooker. (Sips coffee) This coffee tastes of doo-doo butter.
MH Sorry about that. This place is usually...
TG.: It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I partial to strong flavors.
MH: Why don’t we start with the title. Why “Hooker?”.
TG: (Looks up at ceiling) Well, first and foremost it’s my favorite word. Ever. In the whole dictionary. I like the way it sounds coming out of the mouth. My second favorite word is "Ubiquity", which ryhmes with my 3rd favorite word, “Titty”. You might not be familar with 'titty', it's sort of obscure. Rarely used in our modern vernacular.
MH: I've certainly never heard it. Now, the charactor of Eve...she is rather “Hookerish”. To what extent was that intentional?
TG: It was entirelly accidental. She’s actually very ubiqiutous. I would love that woman but she doesn’t want to fuck me, you see? So I turn her into peices of cardboard metaphorically speaking.
M.H.: Hmm. Yes. What about Henry? Is he a christ-like figure, as other reveiwers have implied?
Mary Magedelene's pimp
TG: I would say he’s sort of Christ-ISH. He has long hair, a beard, does nice things for people. Has a certain childish wonderment about him. He lives in a trailer but he longs to live in a boathouse. He doesnt like walking on water.
MH: Fascinating I’d like to talk to you about...(opens book to chapter 8). In chapter 8, when he has the hallucination...
TG: Common misconception. That’s not halluncinatory. That’s a real gnome.
MH: But he is under the influence of a psychedelics. He’s eaten some mushrooms and-
LG: Chanterelles. They are wild chanterelle mushrooms.
M.H.: Okay. Well, would you mind if I read a passage here? It’s one of my favorites.
L.G.: (Orders plate of cookies) Be my guest.
M.H.: (Reads aloud) “An hour after eating the mushrooms,
Henry found himself in the garage fondling hookers....
they seemed like relics of a forgotten era, and Henry was their witness. An gnome materialized soon after. He jumped on Henrys lap and handed him a letter. “Why now?Why here?” Henry implored. The elf weilded a shotgun and replied “Because you have not written a manifesto, I have written one for you”. Henry cupped the elf in his hand and tickled his chin as a kindly hooker-ish gesture . The elf aimed the shotgun at Henry and blew his finger off, then dissapeared into -”L.G.: (Interrupts) It’s very controversial.
M.H.: Mesmerizing. After that there’s no mention of this gnome! It’s almost as if-
L.G.: Exactly. Because the gnomes’s purpose is to inspire Henry and the gnomes’s existance is limited to that one errand. That, and... well, he is a dangerous entity, no? He would probably shoot everyone into oblivion if he could, so I kill him off for the sake of hookers everwywhere.
M.H.: Let’s talk about this running theme of cosmetic surgery.
L.G.: (Clears his throat) These cosmetic surgeons...they are the ‘alleged’ (makes those quotation fingers) modern day saints, okay? Miracle workers.
LET THERE BE HOOKERS!
TH:But they are also evil, because they are fiddling around with God’s perfect plan.I am so...fascinated by that juxtaposition. So here we have Eve who is already an attractive woman, and she desires this hooker perfection and is attached to it, which she should be.
Hooker or not hooker? You make the call
TG:So, eventually Henry’s collection of marshmallow hooker peeps nearly ends up driving her insane.
(Cell phone rings, he checks it ) I ignore that for you...even though it is an important call from my parole officer.
MH: I was going to ask you about that, but I’m leary...
LG: According to my lawyer I am not supposed to talk about the details of my arrest. So ask away.(Pauses) I was arrested for soliciting on a highway ramp in the valley.
M.H.: Mabye we should just leave it alone. I don’t want to get you in any trouble...
L.G.: (sighs)
M.H.: Do you have any particular rituals when it comes to writing. I’m speaking of Robertson Davies, with his antiquated typewriter with the missing keys, and the five pencils all lined up, the M&M’s on his desk placed strategically to look like a hooker...
L.G.: Mmm. Yes. (laughs).
M.H.: ...the Tolstoy effigy that he set’s on fire when he’s finished a new novel.
L.G.: That’s all very charming and pseudo- eccentric....I’m not prone to that nonsense. I write on a modern laptop, in a sparsely funished room...no lights on. Only between the hours of three am and eight am. And only in the nude. Sometimes I like to have sex with a hooker while spell-checking, and I always have a photo of Micheal Jackson nearby but only in my peripheral vision.
Thurston's photo of famous hooker Michael Jackson
MH: Do you think your book has a message for the 21st century, and if so what would that be?
TG: (Takes a bite of cookie). My book is a bastardized romance novel. Like the ones with the people embracing on the cover, dressed like hookers? It’s like that but it the cover is just black with the title and my name. And the crucial message is that you, and I, and everyone we know will one day...(waves at waiter for more cookies).
MH: So, what’s next for you? “Hookers” ends on such a positive note, with Graham and Eve on that tiny raft in the middle of the Atlantic ocean with the box of stale Funions, drinking their own urine. Is there a possible sequel in the works?
L.G.: (Frowns) Sequels’ were created by artistically impoverished Hollywood moguls. It’s an exploitation...typical of the film industry. In the literary pantheon I don’t think it’s even a... (Long pause) If my book is made into a film than I would consider a sequel but only if my favorite actors could be in it. Ice T’s wife Coco the Hooker would be perfect for eve.
As would Corey Haim.MH: Corey Haim...he passed away several weeks ago. I’m sure you were so busy on your book tour that-
TG: I’m well aware of his demise. I’d simply like his hooker ghost to come back and be in my movie.
Hooker Ghost of Corey Haim
MH:Well, I want to thank you again for talking the time to sit down and talk with me. I know your a busy man. Your book is inspiring to me as a fancy hooker and and it was a pleasure to meet you.
TG: Thank you for introducing me to these cookies, hooker! (waves cookie in the air).
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