Fanciness....and hookers....and R Kelly....and Pootie Tang. For the peeps, by the peeps. Marshmallow. Peeps.
Alyssa and Daria are so fancy R Kelly wants to pee on them.





Thursday, May 27, 2010

HALF A HEAD CORN ROWED HOOKER

You are still our favorite, you fucking weirdo gangster santa-dressin pervert.

Monday, May 24, 2010

AS HAPPY AS A CLAM HOOKER

My bday was amazers and I feel very fortunate these days...

Got my dream job...


Fancy drinking, shit talking, and laughing with the hoochie crew (we missed you Daria)...

AND FOUND OUT WHERE YUM YUM LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna pitch a tent in his front yard so he can pitch his tent in mine. I haven't had a restraining order in forever.


Keep it fancy.
xo
Alyssa

THE FANCY HOOKER GOURMETS

Boy hookers and girl hookers, take note: This August, Alyssa and Daria will debut their new show "Two Hoes, One Skillet" on the Food Network. We were chosen out of thousands, nay, millions of desperate skanks who had the balls and vaginas to show up for the Food Network casting call at the Mall of America. Sorry, but to quote the famous Viking ballad by Sinead O'Connor , "Nothing compares 2 (Alyssa and Daria's fancy hookin)".

The first episode will focus on the art of burrito wrapping:
Attempting this technique at home requires a burrito and reynolds wrap. If you can't locate a burrito you can substitute it with a hoagie, or even a rolled up tube sock. Daria is particularly fond of using a burrito-shaped rock she found while picnicking at the Fresh Kills Landfill.
The point is: Be creative! Cooking is all about improvising.


Next, we demonstrate how to make those peanut butter filled celery sticks, using our simple 14 step method.
We realize how intimidating this recipe looks. It is. But we will walk you through it, and pretty soon you'll have to invest in another oven cuz you'll be cranking these out like Betty Crocker on...crank.
This dish on the other hand...me and Alyssa haven't even attempted it. Our culinary skills only go so far.

In the (highly unlikely) event of people getting the yawns during our show, we will be crafting pinatas that resemble our favorite porn stars, which will be filled with condoms, skittles, pizza, and cigarettes. Everbody in the audience will get a chance to be blindfolded and hit with a baseball bat by me or Alyssa. We promise!
Following the pinata game portion of the show, a short video explaining how to cultivate your very own potato chip garden will be looped for several hours while me and Alyssa are chauffered to the Fredericks of Hollywood museum to see the new "Evolution of the Thong" exhibit . (Our producers are contractually obligated to take us on these excursions due to our medical condition(s).

Further highlights from our show include: a visit to Costco to tour their state of the art organic asparagus cloning factory, an interview with that chick who fucked Sandra Bullocks husband (she shows us how she can make a souffle without getting herpes in it!) and Alyssa will make omelettes for the studio audience using whipped cream, velveeta and chopped up crayons (adds color and texture!). Last but not least, we will end the episode with an segment we like to call "Banana Hand Job".

No, not "Banana Blow Job". We're called FANCY Hookers for a reason. Banana Hand Jobs are for dignified hoes. Gwyneth Paltrow is going to join us for this portion of the show.
Be sure to tune in y'all...

P.S.- In honor of Alyssa's birthday I baked her a bunch of cakes because she rules and she's the fanciest, purdiest, sweetest friend in the ho wide world. Word...


Okay, truth be told this is the real cake I would have liked to bake for Alyssa...(I was just really busy practicing my banana hand job)...Happy Birthday Mama! xoxoxo

Sunday, May 23, 2010

FUCK THESE HOOKERS

What do you get if N*Sync, the Jackson 5, a rollerskatin disco tranny, and a quilt lovin grandma spawned?

UNFANCYPANTS WHO JUST DANCE DANCE DANCE:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEE HOOKERS!

Easy gift ideas because I'm awesome, BUT YOU'RE AWESOMER CUZ YOU'RE BUYING.

 Cums first.


So you can show him that you care.  That you really really really care.  Through your shirt. 


Stitch n bitch yourself a crocheted STD!


Cooter cupcakes!  I want penis candles on mine please.  Are you taking notes?  Get a pen.


A tongue chair?  On second thought, leave this raggedy shit off your shopping list.


Timeless hooch with some Mexican gangbanger flair.


CRANK IT UP WHEN YOU SKANK IT UP!

*POW* *POW* *POW* *POW* 
(fancy fireworks, not to be confused with unfancy gun shots)

BEFORE & AFTER HOOKER

Before



After

Saturday, May 22, 2010

SEX SHOOTIN HOOKER

THE NOT-SO-WEEKLY WHENEVER WE FUCKING GET TO IT TOP 5 HOOKER

In the world of fancy... and hookers, less is NEVER more.  
But Fancy Inc are busy ass bitches.  So we made it easy for us, I mean you.  We made it easy for YOU.  Here you go, you fucking A.D.D. perverts.  

          #4          #1        #3         #2         #5


And for the record, we aren't entirely sure what the fuck is happening with our #5 contestant... maybe she has her period or maybe she is dragon questing for halfway hookers, but wearing armor ain't right, it ain't ok, and most importantly it ain't fucking fancy.

STOP THE FANCY PRESSES!  
We just got confirmation that she's wearing a CHASTITY BELT!  THE FUCKING HORROR!  
I feel... nauseous.  Our sincerest fanciest apologies.


REVISED:  TOP 4 HOOKERS


          #4          #1        #3         #2         #5

TREE HUGGIN HIPPIE HOOKER

TOASTY HOOKER

BUFFET EATIN HOOKERS

20 tranny stars for use of the phrase "ladyboy"

DON'T EAT THE NUTS HOOKER

I REEEEEALLY WANT A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER HOOKER

Thursday, May 13, 2010

H.W.A. IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK IT IS HOOKERS





HELL'S MOST WANTED HOOKERS

I see that our favorite.... "fornicators".... made the list.   And pagans, whoremongers, and drunkards.... wait, sports fans?


How do you say "PAARRTY"???  JUST.  LIKE.  THIS:

PARALLEL UNIVERSE DELUSIONAL HOOKER

You there...on the right!  Stop it!  We see what you're doing and we don't approve!  There's no excuse good enough for this to happen.  N-O-N-E.

1000 trolls, no stars

Fella on the left, give us a call, we wanna help you out too and give you "stars" in person.

'D'ASS RIGHT HOOKER

Guess who has a fancy big bootie b-day in exactly 10 days?
ME.


Thanks Lisa!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

AS NASTY AS THEY WANNA BE HOOKERS

The godfathers of inappropriate and hookertude.  The only ones who made me smuggle tapes past parents (while wearing a "Like A Virgin" concert tee to school in 5th grade).
Daria, sew up a couple of those back-up dancer outfits... We need to "shake a lil somethin" special for my birthday party.

WE'RE GIVIN THEM ALL THE STARS IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSICAL SYSTEM!
Sorry world, find another symbol, because there ain't no more.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

MY 20TH CENTURY TOY HOOKER

HOW DO WE LOVE THEE, LET US COUNT THE FANCY WAYS HOOKER

Anna Mae Bullock
You put the bad, and the ass, in BAD ASSERY.  Fancy Inc has been imitating your style, your rock n' roll swishy charisma, and your leggy dance moves for years.

WTF are you tryin to do Beyonce?  Break a hip?  Don't even think for a hot ass sexond, that you can compete with Ms Private Dancer.  Your hurky jerky lurky awful dance moves make you a national black woman embarrassment.  Lookit, Jay-Z is ringin you up right now to bring his rich ass some cheeseburgers so please stop with yourself and get the fuck offa the stage.





Keep on with the keep on ♥

ILLITERACY LEADS TO HOOKERCY

Monday, May 3, 2010

THE NOT SO WEEKLY TOP 5 HOOKER

Yes yes ya'll.  It's that time again.  You ready?  I'm continuing with a themed top 5, so let's get down to business.
(pause)


#5) I<3MYBUT, CALIFORNIA
I know this looks like my Jeep - for those of you who know me - but alas, it is not... however....
(Mental note:  Switch plates when registration is up)





#4) LV MY HOE, ILLINOIS
There's so much love in the air!  Can't you just feel it slapping you all up in your fancy face and pullin you down the street by your bruised arm?




#3) ILUV-ANL, FLORIDA
Ok, so let's play this game... You walk into the local DMV office to get a "vanity plate" and when asked what you want it to read, you whisper.... "i luv anl".  So the always pissy fat lady behind the counter shouts, "YOU WANT WHAT?  I COULDN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE FAN!!!"   
"I. LOVE. ANAL!!!!!"
And suddenly the needle scratches the record that you never noticed playing at the DMV.

                                       



#2) A55 ORGY, FLORIDA
"But MOMMMM I dooonnnn't waaaaannnnt grandpa to pick me up from little league practice anymore"
Yeah, us either kid.  And Fancy Inc has never played baseball.




DRUMROLL PLEASE!
For the first time in our fancy mclovin history we have a tie for first place!
You asked for it so we gave it to you (pause).

#1)  KUMLORD, CALIFORNIA
I can say with 100% certainty that you are "no friggin way in your PT CRUISER".
(Special shout out to Indira because it's the only car she rents when she visits LA)



#1) CUMGZLR, ILLINOIS
So much so they couldn't even ADVERTISE ON A CAR.  
Yep. 
That.  
Much.
                                       

*Disclaimer:  We aren't sure what the shit is goin on in the states of CA, IL, and FL, but common perception may help us speculate.