Thursday, April 29, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
(In this case only, the dog wins by a landslide)
Behold this amazing showgirl FH! Now move your eyes down further and observe a pathetic example of fancy hookerness gone awry. At least the peacock tried. But it's still a Fancy fail, a Hooker fail, and a peacock fail.
I feel sorry for this bird.
Wow. This is guy is even more deluded.
Keep telling yourself that tibetan fox....
But Foxy Brown still is far and above you as a FH. (This is a foxy Brown impersonator but even Foxy Brown's impersonator is still skillfully skankier than that sorry looking little dude above. All gay Tibetan foxes dream of being fancy hookers but few if any will ever achieve their goal...
We'll give him props for being cute, but this blog is about glorifying real Fancy Hookers, not cuteness. Words from the wise- (Alyssa and Daria)- If that Tibetan fox tried to dagger dance he would definitely end up with his penis broken and being carried off by the hyena he was dagger dancing with.
More on this topic in the upcoming post "The Dangers of Dagger Dancing VS the Awesomeness of Dagger Dancing: Is a broken penis really that bad?"
Friday, April 23, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
He needs no introduction. If you don't know who he is, Fancy Inc
prob isn't your friend, nor would we want to be.
It's a fancy hooker explosion implosion to the exponential power!
Hookers on top of hookers!
I don't care what you say, NO ONE is fucking with his flamboyantly
slutty gay fashion sense and endless supply of spandex pants, fluffy
fancy hair, gyrating pelvic thrusts, mid-air splits, high kicks and
hilarious videos littered with big-haired jiggling bimbos and crazy
For those about to hook, we salute you Diamond Dave!
Your fanciest admirers
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
I asked the great Googley Moogley to find, "The Half-Hooker Economy" and thought "ugh great, MORE hooker half-assedry". But before reading the long ass article, I read this blurb:
“But Woods found a way to enjoy the best of both worlds in one type of woman, a Venn diagram of sexual satisfaction. Most of his mistresses lived in a nebulous in-between world. Not prostitutes, no, but just about half way there. As surely as he has changed the game of golf, so too has Woods exposed the grazing ground of the half way hooker, and her natural habitat, the nightclub.”
...and thought, "ughhh great, MORE Tiger Woods full-assedry".
And then... hold up wait a damn fancy minute, did you write....A HALF WAY HOOKER???? Now, in this context it's used as a classification to define different levels of hookerdom. Like a sliding social slut scale, as it pertains to wealthy powerful men and the women who tend to their "VIP needs", primarily in a nightclub environment.
I didn't read anymore of the article, because, duh... snoozeville. Instead I immediately had thoughts of mentally unstable hookers... ones found wandering the echo-echo-echoing (thanks R Kellz) halls of a mental institution. It made me want to discover new untapped species of hookerati. Perhaps a Crazy Eyez Killah hooker... A psychopathic transgressive OCD hooker... A tourettes tranny hooker (this is my movie/book/everything idea and if you steal I will beat you like your toothless cane waving pimp)... Pill-poppin schizophrenic hookers... A looney bin full of deranged hookers!!!!
Imagine the bedazzled lace hospital gowns over neon push-up bras.... gold Vuitton logo fleece sock booties... feather boa trimmed hair caps... I can't stress hair extensions enough... and gobs of make-up like a kid scribbled your face into Courtney Love with a giant ass bag of fancy ass half-chewed skittles. Can you taste the vodka-infused rainbow?
Maybe there'd be a few poles by the nurse station and a Hollywood Blvd hallway to make them feel more at ease. The supply closets filled with lube, anal beads, pills, and Tiger Woods blow up dolls instead of bed pans, IV drip bags, extra pillows, and catheters. "Cawk n ballz wanna kissss meeee" drunkily written down a wall in Avon's "redlight district" lipstick after the last group therapy session. A kid being dragged to visit their "distant aunt" (mom), would think they just walked into the Big Top tent... cue circus music and animal shit smell please.
I got excited that Fancy Inc might one day stumble upon this undiscovered hidden hooker lair.... like we were dragon questing in 1310, or plunging fishing traps for mermaids and Nessie off our boat, the SS Fancy N Freeeek.
But alas, it's fuhgettaboutit unlikely.
The looney bin full of deranged hookers sits easily on my lap and costs about $2500 new from the Apple store. I don't have to hunt very hard. This brand of crazy isn't confined to any institution, unlike nuns and their vows to the G-O-Dillz. It runs free, runs loose, runs a'plenty in our streets and on our internets, for our ever-lovin hooker entertainment.
So let's CELIBATE! I mean celebrate. C E L E B R A T E.
Where's the champagne at damnit...
You shall not walk alone.
My heart will be your shelter,
And my arms will be your home-
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace, something something...blablabla
Ignore the above mediocrity. It is there to prove a point and give us all a good laugh at how untalented/unfancy Ms. Shakespeare is.
See? We told you.
Her poems typically begin with a declaration or definition in the first line ("Put this pussy in yo jaws and smack...”") followed by a metaphorical change of the original premise in the second line ("...like its thanksgiving and it ain’t coming back").
She also does not write in traditional iambic pentameter. Her line lengths vary from four syllables or two feet to often eight syllables or four feet, or occasionally she just writes “My bitches”(2x) followed by “I love my bitches”(3x).
Here are some examples of her sublime literary style:
Alyssa’s favorite Trina Love Poems --
From "Hold My Drink Bitch - The Collected Poetry of Trina"
'GET HIS MONEY'
Oh you his wifey?
I think your man like me
he had me in the car
with his hand on my bra
breathing in my face
'OFF THE CHAIN WIT IT'
I want Oprah money
Vida loca money
You can keep that poker money
Once they taste this
They hucked like bases
And me im at the bar on patron with no chasers
Daria’s Favorite Trina Love Poems --
From "Up In My Pussy Is Like Winning The Lottery": The Complete and Unabridged Verse of Trina"
'NO PANTIES COMING OFF'
No panties coming off
My love is gonna cost
Cause ain't no way
That you gonna get up
In this for free
'I WANNA HOLLA'
Don't be mad ho',
Cause I'm that bad ho'
Pushing that pink Lamborghini Diablo
I play niggas like dummies for the fast money
You wanna holla, it's gon' cost you cash money
Thank you Trina, for giving the world these romantic odes to Hooker Fanciness. You rule.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
#5) DAME JUDY DENCH
This is a famous actress/fancy hooker and close personal friend of Alyssa. And I quote, "What can I say, hooker recognize hooker" - Alyssa on being friends with this hoe.
And now we present our first winner of “HOOKER OF THE WEEK” who won by a whopping 16,00,0000,03 votes. No one was surprised.
#1) A HOOKER OF THE HUGEST FANCIEST PROPORTIONS....COCO AND HER ASS!!!!!!
Don't question the majesty of Coco's beach ass-ballet
Editors note : Observe the vast differences between two women named Coco: One Coco is awesome and has a website that sells synthetic reproductions of her ginormous fancy ass, while the other Coco is an obscure, unsophisticated, flat-bootied non-hooker. One Coco's perfume smells like your grandma, while the other Coco's perfume is an exotic rasberry-peach-strawberry scented stripper spray. Be VERY careful not to get these two Coco's confused when google-imaging.
*Honorable Mention/Last Place/’There’s Always Next Year/You're Still A Loser” award goes to this anonymous Jer-Z Shore hooker.
Submitted by, duh: